


The Heart Beats Per Minute

by gilligankane



Category: Guiding Light
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-10-21
Updated: 2009-10-21
Packaged: 2017-11-17 09:43:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/550224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gilligankane/pseuds/gilligankane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eight drabbles.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Heart Beats Per Minute

_You are the best parts of all the songs I love._

_\- pleasefindthis_

 

 **Come Out Of The Shade – The Perishers**  
"just friends, friends until the end  
you know i still pretend, just friends"

 

In the shadows of the kitchen, between sleeping and waking, when Olivia’s hair was still tossed in different directions and Natalia was just turning on the coffee maker, it was easy to pretend. It was easy to grab Emma around the waist and hoist her onto a bounding knee; to smile up as Natalia pressed a scalding hot mug of brewed heaven into her hand; to throw open the door with a laugh as Emma raced towards the bus, Natalia half a step behind, waving whatever Emma had left behind in one hand, the other keeping the edges of her robe secured together.

It was easy –  _too_  easy – to pretend that each touch meant more than “good morning” and that each lingering stare was really just a way to say “I love you” before the world crept in on them.

 _The Beacon_  had no shadows and her room was too far from the kitchen for her to drag herself down there and while she was proud of their Continental Breakfast, the coffee didn’t taste the same (and it had taken her some time, but she had finally placed a finger on what was missing: the love, the warmth).

Emma had Jane now, to chase her and coddle her and remind her to grab her lunch, her homework, her backpack.

Olivia had the shiny, sterile corners of her hotel room.

Natalia had Frank and the farmhouse and soon, Rafe would be coming home and they could be one big happy family, living in picture perfect bliss for the rest of their days and really, she should be happy, because Natalia smiled most of the time and always had something nice to say to Emma and Olivia had only heard her crying twice since the wedding, locked in a bathroom stall in  _The_   _Beacon’s_  public restrooms.

It didn’t stop Olivia from wishing that she could go back to the kitchen, back to the shadows where she had dropped her head and prayed. It didn’t stop her from wishing she could have prayed for her own happiness, instead of Natalia’s.

It didn’t stop her from wishing that they could just be friends again, at least, because life without Natalia – without Natalia  _really_  being there – was harder than she could have ever imagined.

 **You Know What I Mean – Goo Goo Dolls**  
"you know i'm afraid to say your name  
but i ain't afraid to share this blame"

 

“I-”

 

“You don’t-”

“Listen-”

 

She knows she’s speaking in stops and starts and that Olivia isn’t following her thought process. She used to be able to; they used to be able to read each other minds but now whenever she looks at Olivia, all she sees is clouded eyes and the back of Olivia’s head as the other woman walks away.

 

“Spit it out,” Olivia spit out, losing her patience.

 

“I’m trying,” she throws back, but Olivia is already looking away, through the open classroom door, as if she’s poised to throw herself out of the room at any moment, just to escape this.

 

 _This_  – the mess they’ve gotten themselves into.

 

“Let me help you,” she hears Olivia say, and she rolls her eyes. She doesn’t need Olivia to tell her anything; she needs Olivia to shut up and let her try and speak, but the older woman seems to be on a warpath and God forbid, Natalia try and convince Olivia that they could have  _something._

 

“We-”

 

“Stop!” The command echoes around the room, bouncing off every wall and off the picture of them on the wall: the couch and Emma squashed between them. “Just, stop.”

 

“Well,” Olivia prompts, after too much silence.

 

“Oliv-” is as far as she gets before her throat closes up. “Ol-” she tries again, but can’t go any further.

 

“You can’t even say my name,” Olivia accuses, her fists clenched. The older woman laughs bitterly and looks away. “I knew I never should have fallen in love with you,” she mutters.

 

“Don’t you dare say that like you’re the only one.” Natalia feels her insides tighten, her throat constrict, her mouth go dry, her stomach clench. “Like you’re the only one who fell in love. This is on  _both_  of us.”

 

“Well then let’s  _both_  just let it go,” Olivia advises mockingly.

 

“What if I can’t?”

 

Olivia glares before her gaze softens and her shoulders slump and Natalia is left staring at the shell of who Olivia is underneath her bravado.

 

“Then I’ll do it for us.”

 

Natalia shakes her head. “This is on both of us,” she whispers again. “ _Both_  of us.”

 

 **Non Believer – La Rocca**  
"she belongs somewhere else  
away from my side  
so run with what you've got  
and chase with what you need"

 

Outside of the church, in her car a little ways down the block, she feels like a stalker. She  _is_  a stalker, slinking around dark corners after Natalia and ducking through doorways when the younger woman turns back around. Olivia feels wrong.

 

Olivia feels like  _Frank_.

 

She checks her rearview mirror again, but since she checked it a minute and a half ago, Natalia still hasn’t come outside.

 

“How long does it take to pray,” she mutters, checking her watch again.

 

The passenger door opens unexpectedly and Olivia feels her heart jump up into her throat, stealing her breath from her body, before it sinks quickly into her stomach.

 

“I didn’t think church was your thing, Olivia.” Natalia’s voice is flat and Olivia has to gulp, hard, before she can even think about answering. “Actually, if I remember correctly-”

 

She reacts with anger, because anger is instinctive, it’s something that comes without really thinking about it, and Olivia’s just been thinking too much for her own good.

 

“People change, Natalia. You, of all people, should know that.”

 

Natalia takes the bait: hook, line and sinker. “Me? I didn’t change.  _You_  changed.  _You’re_  the one who shut down, who – who shut me out. You’re the one who’s different now. You hide things and you’re always leaving and-”

 

“Stop,” Olivia whispers, knuckles white against the steering wheel.

 

“You want to talk about change?  _You_  changed. You said,” Natalia starts, her voice cracking. “You  _said_  we would always be friends.”

 

“Well, I lied, okay? It’s what I do,” Olivia hisses. “I’m a manipulator.”

 

“You’re more than that,” Natalia insists, but Olivia won’t look,  _can’t_  look at the urgency in Natalia’s eyes, or the hope or the loss. She can’t see the future in Natalia’s eyes; the future she’s breaking with her words and her silences and all the hours she spends away from home.

 

“Olivia,” Natalia tries.

 

“Just – just get out.”

 

There’s a heavy sigh and then something Olivia has also thought sounded like resignation – that deep, low, throaty noise she’s heard so many times before – and then the door opens and slams back in place, leaving Olivia caught inside with the cold.

 

Now, she really has nothing left to lose.

 

 **Run To You – The Rocket Summer**  
"i wanna say i'll never do it again  
but, i can't"

 

I come stumbling back up the stairs and there you are – one hand wrapped around the banister, the other one your hip and you’re frowning, or frowning as much as someone who is half-asleep can frown. I know I made too much noise coming in the door. I know there’s a coffee table, corner-sized knick in my shin and that I cursed your God. I know I’m drunk.

 

I know you’re mad about it.

 

“Just go to bed Olivia,” you murmur and I feel none of the relief I thought I would.

 

I want you to get angry with me. I want you to demand answers. I want you to ask me why my hair isn’t up – like it was when I left the house – and why it looks like I gave Emma my lipstick, access to my neck, and told her to go crazy.

 

“Wait,” I call out, just as you’re turning into your bedroom. You pause in the doorway and I shuffle up the final steps then over to your side. As I get closer, I can see: you’re tired and the lines on your face have gotten deeper since this morning, as if you’ve aged since I’ve been gone.

 

Maybe you have. Maybe that’s what I do to you: wear you down until you’re bare and broken and now you’ll leave me just like everyone else will.

 

You must see something in my eyes – the regret of doing this to you, or of kissing that other woman, even if she means nothing to me, or to what we could be – because you’re sighing and shaking your head the way you do right before you scold me and call me  _cute_.

 

“Natalia, I-”

 

You don’t let me get any further. Arms are wrapping hesitantly around my shoulders, pulling me down until my face is buried in your neck and there’s one hand running from the base of my spine to the middle of my back and it feels like everything is better; everything is okay.

 

I want to tell you what happened, what I figured out tonight, but I’ll just wait until tomorrow, because even if you’re hugging me you’re still angry and even though the world is righting itself I’m still drunk.

 

 _Tomorrow_ , I promise myself. _I’ll tell you everything tomorrow_.

 

 **The Twist – Frightened Rabbit**  
"you twist and whisper the wrong name  
i don't care nor do my ears  
twist yourself around me"

 

He pulls her to him, always pulling her to him. Because if he didn’t, he knows, she would be running the other way, right into Olivia’s arms and he’d be left on the sidelines,  _again_.

 

He’s a sidelines guy. He’s the background, the extra, the  _“oh, Frank, you’re still here.”_

 

But with Natalia, he feels like he’s the centerpiece. He feels  _needed_  – and he doesn’t care that he’s needed for all the wrong reasons.

 

He knows what it feels like to need to forget Olivia Spencer. He knows that Natalia needs time and space and someone else to forget Olivia Spencer. He knows Natalia never really will forget Olivia Spencer, but he’s determined to help her start, at least.

 

Especially if it will get him Natalia and push Olivia Spencer’s toxicity away from his family; away from him; away from Natalia.

 

He doesn’t even care if she cries at night, or that she sleeps on the couch, or that she never gives him sugar to put in his coffee. It doesn’t bother him that she won’t let him put all his accumulated softball equipment in Emma’s old room, or that she never smiles when she cooks, or that she stopped baking and wouldn’t even talk to him after he mentioned that maybe she should make a batch of cookies.

 

It’s not a big deal, because Natalia will get over it.

 

He got over it; all it will take is some time and Natalia will be fine. She’s a strong-willed woman with a good heart and he’s glad he could help; that he can hold her and touch her and let her see that he’s what’s best for her – he’s the best thing she’ll get, after she’s been tainted.

 

That’s what Olivia Spencer does: taints.

 

Frank Cooper disinfects.

 

He’ll disinfect Olivia from Natalia’s life, if only for her sake, so that she’ll stop crying and start laughing.

 

So he’ll stop frowning and start smiling.

 

So Olivia Spencer can finally get what she deserves.

 

Even if Natalia murmurs Olivia’s name when she sleeps, he doesn’t care.

 

Someday, it’ll pay off.

 

 **Alone – Heart**  
"you don't know how long i have waited  
and i was going to tell you tonight  
but the secret is still my own  
and my love for you remains unknown  
alone"

 

“Jellybean, what are you still doing up?” Emma blushes from behind the railing and peeks over, her tiny face a floating mass in the darkness.

 

“I was waiting for my bedtime story,” she says, frowning. “You said Natalia was going to read it to me.”

 

Olivia checks the clock again. “She will,” she promises. “She’ll be home soon. Why don’t you go hop back in bed and as soon as she comes in I’ll send her right up?”

 

Emma scrunches her face up in thought and finally nods. “As soon as she walks through the door,” she instructs, pointing a finger at Olivia.

 

She holds back a grin and nods seriously. “Aye aye, Captain.”

 

There’s a small giggle and then Emma is running back up the stairs and Olivia is alone again.

 

 _Alone_ , waiting for Natalia.

 

She has her speech written out – in her head, of course – and it involves a lot of explaining, a lot of examples, and a lot of evidence. She’s got proof of everything she’s feeling and everything she knows Natalia is feeling too.

 

There’s a calm, rational, logical speech in her head all about how Natalia should just forget about Frank – forget about how Olivia pushed and pushed Natalia towards Frank – and how she’s the better choice, in the end; Olivia is the better choice, because even if Frank is  _safety_  and  _security_ , Olivia is _passion_  and  _love_  and the choice is just so clear that if Natalia can’t see it, if Natalia  _really_  can’t see it, then Olivia will accept that. She’ll accept that she’s wrong and then maybe she’ll take that vacation she’s been putting off and never come back.

 

Olivia knows she’s not wrong.

 

Natalia loves her too, and they’ve been dancing around this long enough now.

 

Her phone beeps:  _Feel like driving. Don’t wait up._

 

Her speech fades away and the words in her head die down to a dull roar.

 

 _Don’t wait up_.

 

She can feel her entire body deflate into the couch and all the words she thought she could say deflate with it, sinking into the cushions so far she knows she’ll never be able to find them again.

 

Just like that, it’s all gone.

 

 **Forever Blue – Chris Isaak**  
"the stars have all stopped shining, the sun just won't break through  
each day's the same, more clouds, more rain,  
you're left forever blue"

 

It’s April and it’s snowing. The sky is grey – just slate grey without any variation.

 

It’s a terrible day for a white wedding. It’s a terrible day for a wedding, at all.

 

“Ready?” Rafe pulls her out of her trance at the window where she’s watching the grey sky and the grey clouds, not sure if they’re moving at all, or if it’s just a trick of the light.

 

“As I’ll ever be,” she mutters under her breath. Rafe smiles wide and it’s such a familiar smile she can’t stop the tug of her lips.

 

“Hey, I know I never said anything before, about this, and I should have, I really should have-” she wants to stop him, because she doesn’t deserve to hear anything nice or warm or sweet. She doesn’t deserve praise or thanks.

 

She doesn’t deserve anything she’s gotten at this point, and Rafe stumbling over his words in such a sweet voice will break her in half faster than if someone were to throw a vase against a wall. She would shatter and spill onto the ground and leave the rest of the world behind to stare at her and wonder what happened.

 

“Rafe-”

 

“No,” he says, lifting a hand. “You’ve just done so much, I mean  _so_  much for me, and I’ve been such an,” he pauses and looks around before lowering his voice. “Asshole,” he continues, ducking her hand when she swats in his direction. “Oh, I know. We’re in church, but come on. We both know it. I never had the pride, or really, I had too much pride, to say thank you.”

 

“Rafe-” she tries again.

 

“Having you around meant so much to her, Olivia. I just want you to know how much you mean to her. And to me; to both of us.”

 

The music starts and he jumps a little, then grabs her elbow and hustles her towards the double doors.

 

“That’s your cue.” He looks over his shoulder and out of the corner of her eye, Olivia can see that Natalia has come out of the private side room and is standing there, clutching her bouquet of flowers, looking everywhere but at her. “We’ll be right behind you,” he assures her, stepping back to join his mother.

 

She steps through the doors and looks around.

 

The church, the groom, the guests – all grey.

 

She knows everyone else can see the reds and the yellows and the blues and the whites, but all she can see is monotone grey and a hint of something that looks like blue. She doesn’t think the color will ever come back.

 

 **Watermarks – The Weakerthans**  
"how your body remembers the things you told it to forget"

 

She shakes underneath her covers, not able to find a spot that works; not able to stop her body from quivering violently. If she pushes away the covers, she feels like she’s freezing, like her hair is turning into strands of ice and her toes are solid blocks. If she pulls the covers closer, she’s on fire: burning through the sheets and drowning in a pool of sweat.

 

All she can feel is Natalia’s hands on her biceps, sliding down her arms, fingers locking with her own. All she can feel – all that’s  _real_ , that she can feel from her toes to her fingers is Natalia’s arms wrapped around her body, holding the two of them together.

 

She shivers again.

 

 _It was just a hug_ , she tells herself.  _Just a hug, because you were both crying and because your wires got crossed and it shouldn’t mean anything at all_.  _It meant nothing_.

 

But she can’t push it out of her mind: her body wrapped in Natalia’s arms.

 

Not just the physical aspect of it –  _thought it’s been too damn long_ , she muses,  _since_ that’s _happened._

 

It’s the emotion wrapped in those hugs. It’s the  _love_  she can feel radiating out of it when she pulls away. It’s the look in Natalia’s eyes – that trust and faith and love.

 

 _Stop_ , she scolds, but it comes out as a whisper echoing off the corners of the room and she stills for a minute, worried that someone will hear her; that Natalia will hear her. Natalia would come running in, asking about her heart and her health and it would hit the fan – she would start spouting off at the mouth about why she couldn’t sleep and it would only get them in trouble.

 

She can see the other look in Natalia’s eyes: the fear and uncertainty and doubt – which is why she  _can’t_.

 

It’s not fair to any of them; to Natalia or Olivia or Emma or Frank, for that matter.

 

She shivers again and shakes the mental picture in her head out of the frame.

 

 _It was just a hug_ , she thinks,  _but maybe I’ll give Josh a call in the morning_.


End file.
